It's just stuff.

My hard drive crashed this week at a very inopportune time.  Not that there is ever a good time for your hard drive to crash, but this felt like especially poor timing. I was heading out of town to visit family and I had two deadlines for research I have been working on.  The morning it happened I had already woken an hour late and proceeded to spend 2 hours on the phone with Apple Care specialists who told me that there was nothing more they could do without seeing my computer in person (in St. Louis).  I was then 3 hours late and racing to pack and get my dog to the boarding facility in time to drive the 30 minutes to pick mom up from Columbia only to drive her BACK to Jefferson City for her dental appointment.  A dental appointment that we had been waiting months for.

The day before I had given the assisted living facility careful instructions on my mom's appointment.

1.) Please make sure she is dressed and ready to go (mentally ready being the most important)
2.) Please have a list of her medications ready for me to bring
3.) Please have her midday medications prepared so she can take them with lunch when we eat

I was late and anxious and frustrated with every slow driver on the road.  When I walked through the doors to get my mom she stood up excitedly "You're here!!" she said.  She is always so very excited to see me when I come to visit.  I didn't hear her excitement or see the happiness on her face.  Instead I saw her inside-out pants and 4 layers of shirts.  I saw that no one had prepared her for her visit to the doctor.  I quickly grabbed her and hustled her to the bedroom.  We changed in record time (much to her chagrin and confusion), and we were off.  I stopped by the nurses station on my way out.  They hadn't prepared anything for her, no meds list, no medication, they didn't even know she was leaving.  I was frustrated and late, and hot, and tempermental, and everyone could sense it.  I hastily gave them the fax number for the doctor and requested they PLEASE send the med list ahead of me so that I didn't get scolded when I arrived in Jeff City.

We hopped in the car and zoomed out of the drive and onto the highway to get to mom's appointment.  Mom knew I was stressed.  She was silent for the first few minutes and I immediately felt guilty that I hadn't greeted her with more excitement.  I told her how happy I was to see her and how pretty she looked... but I didn't know what else to say.  I needed to concentrate on driving.  I switched on the oldies station and prayed for a song that would make the drive less intense.  My prayers were answered...



As the song started I began to immediately feel less stressed.  I looked over at mom and literally cracked up laughing.  She was head-bobbing and rocking out to this song as if it were a live performance and she was in the front row.  I listened to the lyrics (between my sweet dance-driving moves) and the stresses and anxiety of the day were gone:

"I just want to celebrate another day of livin', I just want to celebrate another day of life"

• We were late for the appointment... who cares, people can wait
• Her med list wasn't there when we arrived... who cares, it just took a phone call
• The doctor made no logical conclusions and pushed us off to another visit... who cares, we had fun riding together
• My hard drive was lost... who cares, it's just stuff (ok... maybe I am still struggling with this one)

Regardless of the crazy events of the day, I was with my very best friend.  She was just happy to celebrate another day of living and why shouldn't I feel the same way?  We decided to celebrate the day with Ryan's buffet (mom's favorite).  A full meal of whatever her heart desired, followed by a dessert sampler plate, hand-picked by me for mom's eating pleasure.  As she took a big bite of coconut cream pie, we caught each others eye.  This time I took a moment to appreciate the excitement she expressed at being with me.  This time I celebrated it.  

The dance.

My mom used to laminate everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Any time any of my friends or classmates were in the newspaper she would cut it out, put on a nice thick backing, and laminate the heck out of the article. It was always slightly embarrassing to approach kids at school with the article all shiny and perfectly cut out. I thought for sure I was going to pass out from embarrassment when I handed it to them.

Mom would also cut out poems and quotes that resonated with her. She often would copy (and of course laminate) them for me. They would collect dust somewhere in a drawer because, while I never really appreciated them fully, I felt terrible just tossing them in the trash. After all, she did feel as though the words were important to hear.

One poem shot into my mind today while I was visiting mom at the assisted living facility where she lives. "Slow dance" was a poem she gave me as I was heading off to college. It was beautifully laminated and typed in a cursive script on the best possible paper. I read through it and realized this was more than a poem, it was a plea from her to me. Honestly, it didn't fully resonate then.

Today while visiting mom we stopped for an ice cream break with the rest of the residents. The nurse turned on some music and mom and I decided to slow dance with one another like we used to do so many times in our kitchen when I was growing up. The song "I'll be seeing you" by Billie Holliday came on and we were off.

While driving home today I suddenly remembered the poem mom laminated for me almost 10 years ago. It finally made sense to me in a way it didn't then.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids

on a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down

Don't dance so fast

Time is short

The music won't last

Do you run through each day

On the fly

When you ask "How are you?"

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done,

do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast

Time is short

The music won't last

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

not seen his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

'Cause you never had time

To call and say "Hi"?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift...Thrown away...

Life is not a race

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

I promise to slow down, mama. Especially if it means that I will get to enjoy more time each day dancing with you.