In dreams.

As of late I have had vivid dreams about mom.  It is weird to dream about someone who is still living but to feel as though they are visiting you from another place.  In my dream last night she was starting to lose her memory.  Unlike the real life scenario, in this dream she told me she was scared.

She has always been so proud, so strong, and so put together.  Save for a few moments of vulnerability throughout the years, she has never admitted fear to me.  I could see it so clearly on her face when I would visit her, but she never said it.  

Last night, in my dream, she did.  And in response to her fear, I looked her in the eye and told her that we should just dance through it.  And we did.  We danced through the aisles of the large convention hall we were standing in (it was a dream... who knows why we were in a convention hall).  People stared but we were laughing so hard we didn't even see them.

Mom is gone now.  Her body is still there, but the soul that inhabited it has dissipated away.  In person I try to calm her fears, to tell her it will be ok.  When she cries softly "Please help me..." I wish that I could grab her hands and just dance her around her room.  I hope that it is in fact her soul that I am speaking with in my dreams.  Or maybe our dreams are melding into one so that she knows what I am saying when I say it to her.  Because I want to believe that I can calm her fears.  I want to believe that at night, when I lay down to sleep, I am meeting my mom to dance.   

Ahhh.... mornings

(This video is one that someone made up for this song.... I heart it...)

Ok, so I don't always feel so great about mornings but this morning was just grand. Why? Because I decided it would be. The weather is BEAUTIFUL. Just at the edge of Fall, every morning is crisp and the trees are starting to turn colors. It is just chilly enough to put on a colorful cardigan and a scarf (which I own far too many of). As I began my trek through Forest Park this morning I put in my earphones and clicked on my Pandora quickmix. Ingrid serenaded me with "Far Away" much like she is for you right now. When this song is on I can't help but smile. She was followed by Joshua Radin (Closer) and the Eagles (Hotel California.... classic).

Two things I noticed on my walk today:

1.) Music while walking to work puts an unstoppable spring in my step

2.) Ok, so the spring is more like a half-dance half-walk... and people definitely stare as I do this "dance" through the park and across the crosswalk on Kingshighway.

My work day has begun. On my mind today are IPC exams, survey tools, and manuscripts.

Tonight I get trained to be a mentor for Discovering Options which is an after school program that empowers at-risk children from St. Louis City. Soon I will be receiving a 4th or 5th grade mentee who I will get to spend time with every week. I am excited for the opportunity to make a new friend and I hope that my mentee and I will get to explore parts of St. Louis that I have never seen before. More than anything, I am excited to have time each week to do kid things :). I suspect that I will learn as much (if not more) from my mentee as he/she will from me.

Happy Wednesday!