Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I draw strength.

I draw strength from my mother's smile and the twinkle in her eyes.  As of late, it is not uncommon for both to be absent, but occasionally I catch a glimpse and when I do, I try to capture it on photo.  Today I celebrate the beauty of my mother's smile and the way in which it keeps me going when things seem too hard to handle.  Here are a few photos from the past couple of months:






I think I bored her with all of my photo taking!




Playing it cool.

Sharing kisses.

This photo is particularly meaningful.  My mom hasn't cried with me in months.  She hasn't really registered who I am much lately.  But last Friday, she knew who I was.  She looked me in the eyes, and we both cried together.  She told me she loved me to the sky and back.  

Sunday, November 20, 2011

In dreams.

As of late I have had vivid dreams about mom.  It is weird to dream about someone who is still living but to feel as though they are visiting you from another place.  In my dream last night she was starting to lose her memory.  Unlike the real life scenario, in this dream she told me she was scared.

She has always been so proud, so strong, and so put together.  Save for a few moments of vulnerability throughout the years, she has never admitted fear to me.  I could see it so clearly on her face when I would visit her, but she never said it.  

Last night, in my dream, she did.  And in response to her fear, I looked her in the eye and told her that we should just dance through it.  And we did.  We danced through the aisles of the large convention hall we were standing in (it was a dream... who knows why we were in a convention hall).  People stared but we were laughing so hard we didn't even see them.

Mom is gone now.  Her body is still there, but the soul that inhabited it has dissipated away.  In person I try to calm her fears, to tell her it will be ok.  When she cries softly "Please help me..." I wish that I could grab her hands and just dance her around her room.  I hope that it is in fact her soul that I am speaking with in my dreams.  Or maybe our dreams are melding into one so that she knows what I am saying when I say it to her.  Because I want to believe that I can calm her fears.  I want to believe that at night, when I lay down to sleep, I am meeting my mom to dance.